There is a prevailing idea that love should manifest in relationships as unconditional. It’s not uncommon for people to expect it from family and friends, especially our immediate family. The parent-child dynamic is where this is expected the most. Parents are expected to care for their children with no conditions and without expecting anything in return. Children should repay their parents’ sacrifice in old age. Romantic partners should stay and support each other through hard times.
But does unconditional love really exist?
Is Unconditional Love a Myth?
If we’re honest, the answer is often no.
I’ve seen parents abandon their children when life gets hard.
I knew a student in university whose father, an Alhaji, disowned him and cut off funding after he converted to Christianity. His siblings were forbidden from speaking to him.
Another student’s mother once threw her out of the house after a pastor claimed her daughter was a witch. The mother stopped paying her tuition until the girl returned home for “deliverance.”
Men leave their wives when they gain weight. Women leave their husbands when the money dries up. Children abandon sick or aging parents. We all talk about unconditional love until it costs us something.
Even a parent’s love can have conditions. If your child commits murder, will you still visit them in prison every month, for years? Some do. Most don’t.
So you see, we all talk the talk, but not always walk the walk.
How It Connects To Money
How does any of this relate to money? The unconditional love we subconsciously expect from our loved ones has a direct connection to financial complacency. We think we have our relatives, spouses, and our community as an unconditional safety net. We become lackadaisical; we don’t save enough or invest enough because we subconsciously believe someone will catch us when we fall.
In Nigeria, it is not uncommon for parents to say the reason they are having children is to have someone take care of them in old age. Nigerian parents often talk about how they look forward to enjoying the fruits of their labour, that is, they are looking towards their children to take care of them in their old age. We’ve seen children plan with their parents’ properties in mind, and siblings fight over an inheritance, as if their life depends on it.
The second our parents disown us or withdraw financial support, or our spouse leaves after we lose our job, is the moment our false safety net vanishes and we find ourselves in a financial freefall. I don’t necessarily see this as a failure of love, or to mean the person who can’t seem to love unconditionally is evil. It’s just human nature to have limits.
So, your parents’ love or financial support might be conditional on you not ruining the family’s reputation, or on you marrying whom they want you to marry, or on you practicing the family religion.
People are too unpredictable and unreliable, hence why it is too risky to put the weight of your financial future on your loved ones.
Conditional Love, Control, and Money
Conditional love doesn’t always show up in how support is withheld as punishment. It also shows up as control and financial abuse. I once saw a video of Rema, a famous Afrobeat artist, talking to an upcoming artist who said something about how his mom wouldn’t let him pierce his ear or something like that. Rema responded with, “Dem no dey advise breadwinner”, which I found funny because he was trying to speak to the fact that money protects your autonomy and also rearranges power in a relationship.
Control
In the Netflix drama Beauty in Black, Tyler Perry shows how the fabulously wealthy Bellaries family is controlled from the afterlife by the family’s long-dead patriarch, who created the family fortune.
Before his death, he created a will with so many strict conditions that dictated the way his children, grandchildren, and their wives could live their lives. If they broke any of his laws, they would either lose their inheritance or get fined.
It was pathetic watching the whole family toe the line of what the OG Bellarie wanted. They could have taken some of the money they got and built their own fortune to be free of old Pa Bellarie and his will. But a good drama that does not make. Instead, they let him control them from the grave. The show demonstrates how conditional love is, and how money is used to enforce those conditions even after death.
Financial Abuse
Money has been used to control which spouse a person marries, their ability to say no to toxic relationship dynamics, and financial abuse.
In the marriage of Regina Daniels and Ned Nwoko, there have been rumours that he refused to let her own her personal car or her own personal business. And that she has to make do with the family’s cars and money from her husband. Allegedly, this created friction between them that led to domestic abuse. She wanted to be independent, and he wouldn’t let her.
If the rumours are true, that shows you how money is used as a tool for financial abuse. And now that they’ve had their fight, if she ends up leaving him, she will likely be leaving with nothing. Even if those rumors were false, we’ve seen this dynamic play out countless times: the spouse who controls the purse controls the power.
This kind of financial dependence is dangerous for a Nigerian stay-at-home parent, for instance. Unlike those in the West, they are not protected by law if they miss out on career growth during the years they focus on being the nurturer in the family. In the event of a divorce, if they don’t cover their financial bases, they are left hanging with no safety net: no career, no savings, and no retirement plan.
The idea of unconditional love between couples is shaky and not always realistic, and it’s not the foundation you want to build your financial life on. A relationship can go sour at any time; isn’t it better to stay ready, so you don’t have to get ready?
The Real Unconditional Love
We say: I will always have my parents/husband/my inheritance, but what if you don’t?
Since human love is unpredictable, it can come and go at any time. The only thing you can really rely on is your own financial safety net. Your savings account doesn’t love you, but it won’t abandon you if you get sick. Your investment portfolio doesn’t care if you gain weight or change your religion. And your side hustle will never call you a witch and disown you.
A 2009 study found women were 6 times more likely to be divorced when diagnosed with a serious illness like cancer.
The key takeaway is to stop searching for financial support in people and start building it in your own portfolio, because the most reliable love and support is the one that you build for yourself. Stop looking at your spouse and children as your retirement plan. Do not bank on your friend’s generosity as an emergency fund or your parents’ wealth when planning your finances either. Make a pact with yourself not to be the Nigerian parent who plans to depend on their children for money during retirement.
Your career will never wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.
Lady Gaga
Independence, not Hyper-independence
Don’t mistake the idea of building your own financial independence as not asking for help; in fact, I encourage it. You can ask and accept love and help from others, but never outsource your security. Think of it as a bonus, not the backbone of your plan. Lean on people, but don’t build your foundation on them.
Because love can say, “Do what I say or I will stop paying your rent”.
Summary
Unconditional love feels comforting. But when we depend on it financially, we put our survival in someone else’s hands. When we think we’ll always receive financial support from family and friends, we spend willy-nilly, save and invest less, because at the back of our mind, our community will cover us if something goes wrong. But the reality, based on what we see happen every day, is that love is, in fact, conditional and can be taken away. And with it, the financial support we counted on.
Don’t use love as an excuse for not building your own financial independence. It’s not about being pessimistic or hating love. It’s about managing risk and preparing for all outcomes.
Send this to someone who needs a reminder that real security and freedom don’t come from people. It comes from what you build for yourself.
Have you ever been financially disappointed by a loved one when you least expected it because you didn’t do something that they wanted? Or because they stopped loving you?